My Journal

[sickofit]

Thanks for the post hyptoo

But, I did cancel my test. I spoke to a dr once at an emergency who said that if I am concerned, my dr could write to a specialist to do a procedure where they put me to sleep & use a scope instead.

Well, I still feel unwell. Someother symptoms that I have been living with are creeping up worse & now making me think about them.
I always have post nasal drip Don't know why. But I am starting to cough a bit & my throat is lumpy so I am nervous of the worst case scenario. It is getting worse.
Also my mid to upper back is getting worse. I try to pin point where it is coming from
It feel like a eating away type pain. I reach as much as I can back there & a peice of my middle bone has pain when touched.
I hope its just muscle issue and nothing serious
I sitll have the constant stomach ache. Didn't do a barium swallow thing but I may still go do the hplori breath test if that has no radiation.

[sickofit]

Thought I would upkeeo this to look back
Feeling quite awful physically lately.
I am on day 5 for the antidepressent. I still can't believe I started it.
Anyways, I don't know if it is related but I am feeling awful.
chest heaviness
disorientated - typing is off, clumsy
the two veins in my neck pulsate regularily. -no clue what that's about
flushed feeling
yawning or trying to yawn constantly
sensation of liquid building up in my chest
feel like my forehead or something is dropping. Like any minute my eyes are going to close shut

I don't know wheather I should go to the dr. I cancelled a test awhile ago and haven't been for along time.
I guess I am just sick of waiting in the waiting room and then having the dr barely speak to me and not touch me.

My hypo fears, or so I call them, have been worse. I googled things, looked at obits and worried alot more about cancer, heart etc. than I ever have in months.
I wonder if the meds are increasing these thoughts?


I am going to try hard to stick with this till Sunday & then reevaluate.

I noticed that I have a false sense of security when I read people on here telling me to stay on the meds. Otherwise, I would be off already.
Funny isn't it....that when we read on here that its nothing, we believe it, for a short minute or two anyways.

My body can not stop wanting to yawn. It is really weird.
Maybe something is wrong with my lungs.

[DrHouse]

Some SSRI can cause yawning.... it will go away....
When you have health anxiety you also most often need cognitive behaviour therapy.... SSRI is not a cure alone..... (well if you are depressed it might work as the only treatment.... but give it at least 2 - 3 weeks.....then the effect come and side- effects go away....)

[sickofit]

A story that has helped me.

I am not a tatoo kind of girl. But, I have always wanted a tatoo of a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon.

Reason is because of this story:

One day a man passed by a butterfly in a cocoon.
He could see that the butterfly was struggling, struggling, struggling to get out.
So, to help, he pulled out his knife and sliced the cocoon.
The butterfly was then able to break free.
However, when it did, it fell to the ground and couldn't fly. It died.

The reason that butterfly died is because it needed to struggle. It needed to struggle to build the strength to fly. When the man "saved him", it's wings were not yet strong enough.
When I am feeling really down. When I feel " why me, why do I have to struggle,why can't someone fix this, why can't no one help" Then, I often think back to this story.
Hopefully one day, after all my struggles, I will be able to fly on my own with ease.
I am just at the struggle stage. But I hope it will end soon and I will emerge into a butterfly flying through the skies of life.

[hecares4me]

Hi sickofit. Haven't seen a post from you in a while. I hope you are feeling much better these days. I am trying to stay off of this forum because it is addictive. But I have been checking and haven't heard from you. I hope everything is okay. Or maybe you wised up and was actually able to pull yourself away from this addictive forum. If so, good for you. The forum helped in the beginning but now it is beginning to be a clutch. I keep telling myself that I will let go, but something (a new symptom of mine) always draws me back

[sickofit]

Thanks for the post.
Funny...I was posting in the symptom forum at the same time....lol
You must have had a 6 sense that I was on here after along time.
How have you been?

[hecares4me]

Yes I have just seen your post. I've been doing much better aside from the heart concern. But it's not consuming me like my brain was. You seem to be in much better spirits these days! That's a good sign

[sickofit]

sad to be posting.
I was doing so well.
I felt better. And now, the last few days has hit me.
I even was ignoring the back pain etc etc.
Either it has gotten much worse so now it is no longer a simple bothersome thing or I have only again leaped into the higly sensitive state.
Damn it, I was feeling so good.
No medication or anything. I was even worried when I ran out of my first bout with a lose dosage meds. But surprisingly the two weeks after running out I actually felt good. A different good. Like I was living in better air.
I was actually accomplishing things, being able to do more than just go home and plop down in exhaustion.
Now I feel really bad.
My main concern would be that the exhaustion is back along with the thigh, low back and mid back pain is much worse.
I dont pay too much attention to the low back as I have had pain there for years on and off probably due to childbirth.
But the midback is weird and when I check to see where the pain is coming from and noticed it is from my bone, I am paranoid.
I wish it was just explained away as a muschle thing.
I did go to the dr about the thigh pain a few weeks ago and he said it was some kinda band. Looked it up and it was something athletes get. What a joke. I sit all day long.
No athlete here.
Anyways I am not too pleased that Two steps forward had now taken me 5 steps back.

Of course, with the thigh pain, mid chest pain, mid back pain and I smoker....I am terrified it may be lung c

[Katty30]

It took me 2 months to finally muster the courage to go to the ortho doc for my back pain. I found out is was simple arthritis and degenerative disc disease. try not to put it off too long. Better not to worry yourself over nothing. I wish now I had went a lot sooner.

K

[sickofit]

I am scared....
I feel like crap, fighting a damned sinus thing . Can't breathe, talk etc.
I have done the over the counter meds etc. for the past week. May have to go get antib if it keeps getting worse.
But, mostly I am feeling bad. I wish I was the way I was before having to think about cancer every minute of my life.
Shopping, watching a movie, talking to my friends and family....The whole time I am comparing and analyzing in my head and feeling so bad and helpless....
My mind is telling me there really is something wrong and terrible.
Stupid...Stupid...Stupid...
Of course, no one really knows. To think that all symptoms are just hypo stuff is ridiculous and to think all symptoms are diseases is ridicuolous. The true winners are the ones that just simply don't think. But, how do I do that?

[sickofit]

A joke. This worry thing. I am a joke. To doctors, to family , to people who use this forum as information in the medical field.
It pisses me off although prior to worrying about health issues, I have to admit I thought those winers were pathetic too. So what do I expect.
Anyways, my 2 cents to my long forgotten journal.
I think my fight or flight mechanism has been lodged in the drive position for way too long.
I realize I worry about alot more things and way too much.
Everyones health, checking the kids to make sure they are breathing at night, if anyone is conspiring against me. So dumb....A joke.

Anyways, its Jan4. 4 days in an I haven't made an resolutions yet.

More realistic resolutions than the usual lose enough weight to be a supermodel & stop smoking:
Well, I want to matter, I want to have more energy and do more that nothing on a daily basis. I want to laugh, belly laughs that my body has seemed to forgotten, I want to be touched more in all aspects of the words. I want to throw caution to the wind sometimes & realizes that I can worry all day long and it still won't protect or prevent. The worry is not a shield of defense in all situations.

[busaboy]

"I want to throw caution to the wind sometimes & realizes that I can worry all day long and it still won't protect or prevent. The worry is not a shield of defense in all situations."

WOW!!! One of the BEST statments i have read.

[sickofit]

I am so mad at myself. I feel sick lately and of course I am not helping things but worst case scenarios. I cant stand my mind doing this. "well stop" What I am confused about it how can I stop my negative thoughts. My thoughts are automatic. I will sit here and a stupid thought will float in my mind. I didn't invite it. I dont think that way. Why is someone else invading my body with these thoughts. Maybe I need to be shocked or part take in an excersisome?
Anyways that how I feel.
I also wonder if anyone that has a trust personality gets hypo. What I mean is, before this I didn't have alot of trust in other things/people. I think I directed that "paranoia" in other issues in my life. But then something must have triggered & brought my skepicism to my body. I never thought about it before but dammit now I think about it all the time.

I was so good in avoiding this site for awhile but have been on it for about the last week.
When I get a response from Hypotoo which is logical but yet reassuring. I feel better. I say, "okay" but its short lived. I think maybe it a false sense of security. When we get reassurance. We feel okay for a few days, few minutes or whatever and then all the doubts and "knowledge" creeps back in.
For me my biggest issue has always been that I am fairly smart and that you always hear people say "I knew something wasn't right" and then days or years down the road the doctors find it. The "it" that is so damned scary it throws you to the floor. I also have had a few images in my mind that later came true. My mind always says "you know something is wrong"
I want to erase that section in my brain that contains these thought. I do not want to be proved right and I would rather be ignorant and nieve?

I can't beleive I once was the girl who everyone awwed about when they saw go to the biggest roller coaster with no fear or no knowledge of what might happen. Now, I pathetically avoid it. What if my heart cant take it? What if something is wrong and it breaks down?
I have not had any real tramatic experiences in life. But I must say I had trust issues in people and always had a need/desired to be openly cared for and loved.

I am still confused though. Because I did have stress issues, I am always told " Its stress" If I ever break an arm in the future, I guarantee you the small amount of people I have in my will say "Its stress" The confusion come in when I see other people and they have a rough life, going thru relationship issues , work to hard, dont get enough sleep etc etc and they don't have the physical ailments. And because of this, I panic. I think to my self "People are missing it. The doctor and family is saying its stress. But I don't have stress in my life. Look at this person or that person. Look at their obvious stresses. They don't physically feel sick"
This inexplainable difference is what is fuelling my distrust and fears. To the point of no return.
I am sure I am pathetic to many people. If I could let you live in my body for one day, then you would see that I am stronger than you think and I am really, truly hurting more than you think. And then you will understand.

[sickofit]

Thanks busaboy for your comment. Now only if I can take the quote and move it to action. That is my struggle!

[sickofit]

I will die when I am 102 years old, in my sleep after living and long and healthy life.

I am currently not panicked about my symptoms. I am worried about them & I am wishing for them to go away....

But crap, my chest/stomach whatever this little peice is, its killing me. I feel tensed up to protect/hide the pain.

I was to trust more. My body, my life and things around me.


To Me
Please don't worry about the worst
Its not your health that is your curse
Someone is invading your mind
Its your own thoughts that are the bind


Pathetic...lol. I am in a weird dumb mood...Back to work.