Let's take a stand

[gtypex]

I'm new to this site, and I gotta say, thanks to everyone posting.

No one take this the wrong way, but I see alot of people like me. We're all pretty much scared to death (almost literally) over death itself. To be honest, seeing that I'm not alone in this is already a good feeling.

Today I went home early from work. I seriously felt like I was going to vomit all over my desk. The second that I left that building, I felt better. I slept on the train home, woke up at my stop and suddenly I didn't feel quite as bad as I did when I gave in and went home sick an hour ago. And like always, I found myself walking to the doctors office wonderin what the hell I'm supposed to tell them. I mean, I AM sick right? I was about to vomit all over my desk, I felt that... but now I don't. Looks like my mind and body tricked me again.

Like so many of you, I wasn't always like this. Somewhere along the line I became compulsive with my problems. Even the smaller ones that I create for myself that shouldn't mean anything, like having the ultimate collection of something and whether or not this one fits into it cause it's not as super awesome as the rest of them are... see? It's not a big deal, but I make it a big deal. I worry about it and then the stress of that gets to me.

I worry ALOT. I make a hobby out of it. Walking to work, my mind is always trying to tackle some problem I have (preferably an impossible one like death), and trying to fix it. I know there's nothing that can be done, especially in the case of death, but I still think about it, even when I don't want to... sound familliar?

I also worry about how other people precieve me. I'm different from alot of people. Probably pretty weird too, but for some reason, even though I know most people aren't going to be impressed by me, I still want to impress everyone. I find myself wanting to make everyone happy because if they are happy with me, they will like me and feeling liked/loved feels pretty good. I want desperately to get a better job, not only cause I hate my job, but also because I feel pathetic doing it. 30 years old and being an assistant teacher, doesn't feel very adult.

My point is that all of these things add up. All of these obsessive compulsive tendencies add up and then the symptoms start. I get tired. I get heart palpitations. Those make me think I'm dying, or have serious heart problems, dispite my doctor telling me otherwise. I start feeling pain in my stomach. I start feeling nautious. I feel like I'm going to faint. (I fainted in the 6th grade in front of my class, and it scarred me for life). And in the end dispite everything my friends, family and doctors say nothing ever seems to change. It's even gotten to the point where I had a large 6 cm lipoma develop in my neck (which I removed last year) from all of this stress.

But I decided last year after my operation that I was going to take a stand against this and try to fight back against the fear that someday soon I will drop dead in the middle of my office. I'm fighting the fear that I'll suddenly get sick in a time when I'm far from home. It's not to say that this won't happen someday, but rather it's not happening now. On a long enough timeline, sure, we all get sick and die... but on a long enough time line all humans will also evolve into fire breathing oxen with lazers on their heads. Sure, the latter is next to impossible, but my point is that no one knows for sure whether or not it will happen, or more importantly WHEN.

I say all this, but I'm still FAR from finished with being a hypochondriac as today's actions show. It's just so hard to understand, because I DID have a cold up until now, others around me are getting sick as well, I SERIOUSLY though I caught their virus... but it looks like I didn't. And not I have to take a pay cut for the afternoon I missed because my mind and body tricked me again. Anyways, those are my two cents for today.








sssssssssssssssss sssssssssssssssssss sssssssssssssss

[angela3]

I agree with you 100%. but i dont know how not to worry about it.